Inch by inch

I am getting better day by day. I am really looking forward to my upcoming appointment with the OB. It will be nice to talk about all this stuff and get a better feel for what may be going on medically.

On a even happier note, we are headed out this weekend to Seattle (the big city) for a concert and time with my dad, brother, and his fiancee. I think that we are going bridesmaid dress shopping on Saturday, which will be a nice break from my thoughts. We are also planning to hit the Costco, which I always love. It is the little things I find that are getting me focused on the good and off all the negative feelings I have been having the past 10 days.

Getting better

I feel better today. I followed the advice given to me in a previously mentioned email, and I am slowly coming around.

I received flowers today from one of my dearest friends. It was a total shock, but greatly appreciated.

I work for a great bunch of Doctors and ARNP's. DB and I had a talk today about what happened and she agrees with me that I was treated terribly at the OB's and she is glad that I am checking out the new OB. She upped my thyroid meds and I will start the new dose tomorrow morning.

Tonight, The Boy and I will head out on the town for a Halloween Party. He will be a very fierce tiger this evening. Should be a good time.

Frustration

Today I received an email from a Christian woman that I admire through her insights and faith on her blog. I really needed it, and if you read this CB, thanks again.

As for the other news of the day, I finally got the labs confirming that my baby is gone. I do not think I will ever go back to that office. Besides leaving me hanging, without the results for the miscarriage, they did not contact me on some other things as well. I do not think that the communication is working there at all. When I was finally called back to hear the results, the nurse said, "I brought you back here in a room so it would be more private, your levels are at a non-pregnant level".

Here is the thing, I know that at a OB office, they probably have to tell people everyday that they have lost a baby, pregnancy, fetus, embryo, whatever they want to call it. I, however, do not hear that everyday, and the lack of feeling was undescribable. They have no idea that I understand what that means. This nurse does not know that I have medical training. And just because I do, does not mean that it is any less painful to hear those words. I mean, c'mon! This same nurse is who I would have to see next time, since she only works for my provider. Guess that seals the deal...

So, since this is not the first miscarriage for me, I have decided to get checked out by a new OB here in town. There may not be any definitive answers to why, medically, this is hapenning to me, but at least I will have ruled that out.

The beginning...

I am not sure how long this blog will be here. A week, a day, a month, years? All I know is that I need to write.

I am losing another pregnancy. I feel empty and alone. I believe in an Almighty God, but right now, I cannot feel His presence ANYWHERE. I get no comfort from scripture, from songs on the radio telling me of His love and mercy.

He knows how much I wanted this baby. He knows how I prayed for that life inside me. He knows that my husband believed that He heard His voice regarding this little one.

Now, I am here, losing that life, my baby, a little each day. I need to be quiet, because my son is sleeping, but all I really want to do is scream. The tears come and go. Most interestingly, the tears are for many things, but mostly, the loss of faith that I am experiencing.

I know that God has His reasons for what happens to His children. I know that His plans are for our good, to give us hope and a future, to paraphrase Jeremiah 29:11. I know that I will never understand all of the questions that I have here on Earth. I just want to know why, for this one little thing.

Why can I not understand this? Why give me the desire of my heart and then take it from me?